Armageddon Saganote: Dayna thought I let Angel off too easily in the original chapter 13 and there wasn't
Chapter Thirteen: Repercussions
By the Lady Sirona ladysirona@LadySirona.com
enough angst. Well I corrected it :)After returning to the present from the past in 1753Buffy walked back to her room slowly hoping she wouldn't see Angel on the way. Her
mind swarmed with the visions of the devastation and the carnage she witnessed the
night Angel lost his soul. She needed to get her thoughts in order and figure out her
heart before facing Angel. She always realized intellectually that Angel had killed. She
knew that he had killed his family and friends... he had told her so.She never knew it included his wife and children. *Oh god! He had been married! He had
two children and another on the way! Why did he never mention them? Why didn't he
ever tell me he had been married?* Buffy walked slowly down the hall as she
remembered the soft loving way he had touched his wife. The way he had played with his
children. His love and his happiness with just being alive....Buffy walked into her room she shared with Angel and looked at the bed. Her memory of
his execution of his family was brutal. She remembered in every gruesome detail just how
he had killed his family and his friends. She remembered his comments from what seemed
so long ago at the bronze when they fought. Now she understood what he meant when he
had told her he killed his family. Now she had the graphic picture of the devastation he
had wrought when turned into a vampire.
Buffy threw herself on the bed and closed her eyes to the tears streaming from them.
That picture of death and destruction warred with her memory of him playing with his
children and the soft loving way he talked with, and touched his wife. She remembered
the sight of him in the doorway of his little home, handsome, suntanned from laboring in
the sun. She remembered his laugh and his blinding smile as he played with his son and
daughter. He had loved his family so much! He had looked so good suntanned and
smiling. Laughing at nothing...alive!He had been so loving, so caring. He played with his children even when tired from his
work in the fields. He jumped to help a stranger pull their carriage from the river, and it
cost him his soul. The laughing loving man she saw back then was no more...She closed her eyes in pain. The vision that met her eyes was one of Angel, deeply
suntanned and rugged from the days in the fields, smiling and laughing easily and
whole-heartedly. His laughter had been spontaneous and vivacious. Buffy realized that
until then, she had never heard him really laugh.*Oh God! A wife and children!* She moaned to herself and rolled over. She watched in
her mind as he picked up and played with the children, smiling, laughing, and teasing
them. Their great delight in their loving father as his wife looked on. His obvious
adoration of the children and his wife...Tears streamed down her face as she remembered the loving looks he gave his wife. The
gentle passion obvious in the slightest caress or touch he gave her. He had loved his wife
very much. *He loved her more than he has ever loved me! * That thought punched a
hole through her heart. She realized sadly she never made him that happy. She had
never given him such a cause to laugh, or to play. She never caused the same look in his
eyes that she saw when he looked at his wife. He had loved his wife more than he ever
loved her!No matter how much he loved them, it hadn't protected them! He loved them more than
he had ever loved her and he still killed them! Hard realization hit. He loved his wife
more than he had ever loved Buffy and still he had killed them... there was no safety for her!
She had always trusted his love to keep her safe! It wasn't enough!He adored his little daughter, yet had drained her body and threw her against the wall!
He had loved his son, and still fed off him and impaled him to the wall to die a horrible
and lonely death in pain! He loved his wife and their coming child...Her mind skittered away from the atrocities he had visited upon his wife. Her body
violated and torn asunder, the child killed and hung with it's own umbilicus... *Oh God,
how can he ever live with himself? * She wondered. Those deaths she saw had been just
the beginning of a hundred and fifty plus year reign of death and destruction. No wonder
he was now such a tortured soul. To have a soul like the one she saw in 1753, and then do
the things the demon had him do; it was amazing he didn't suicide after regaining his soul.Buffy lay on the bed and hugged his pillow as she cried herself to sleep for the innocence
lost in the deaths of his family. Tears flowed as she sank into the oblivion of
sleep.Angel heard that Buffy and Giles were back. Anxious to see her, Angel walked into his
and Buffy's room to find her asleep on the bed. She looked exhausted and there were
signs she had been crying. He was torn, if it was better to wake her, or let her sleep. She
awoke as he sat on the bed next to her."Oh Angel!" She looked at him with large tears in her eyes. She just lay there, looking
at him. She made no attempt to embrace him or to hug him. She just started to cry.
"What's wrong Buffy?" Angel asked softly. She just looked at him with her large tear
filled eyes and shook her head. "What is wrong Buffy?" Fear started to build in him that
she was going to say good-bye, or he was going to lose her."Our mission for Tirla..." Buffy said slowly. She turned to him. "We went into the past."
She looked up and saw him nod. He was so handsome. He looked so different from
when he was alive! Now he was so sad, so quiet. "We went back to the time of a previous
Slayer and we watched her die, and her family die, and there was nothing we could do!"
The tears flowed again.Angel just sat there. She didn't want to be held or touched obviously. He wanted to hold
her so much it hurt. He wanted to ease her pain. To be a Slayer and watch others die and
not be able to save them must have been horrible. To see another die, knowing it very
well could soon be your fate, was even worse. He watched helplessly as Buffy mourned
the loss of the nameless Slayer and her family. He couldn’t have been there with her then,
but he could be here now!"Want to tell me about it?" Angel asked gently. Buffy looked up into his eyes and knew
she had to. He had to know she knew. She remembered the guilt and remorse he had for
all his actions he did when he became a vampire, and it was worse than she had initially
imagined."We went back in time," She started slowly. We went back to the time of a Slayer who
fought the Demon Lord. We met her watcher, and her family. She was living with her
older brother and his family. I held the children in my lap and played with them, they
were so darling! " Angel nodded and listened. She realized he hadn't a clue that it had
been him."While we were there, her brother was changed into a vampire. I knew it was going to
happen and there was nothing I could do about it! If I had, it would have changed the
future!" She hugged herself closely and cried her sorrow out at her failure. "Do you hate
me for not stopping it Angel?" She looked at him with entreaty in her eyes."Buffy. It was the past. You couldn't change anything. It must have been horrible for
you." She slowly slowed in her tears. She relaxed in his embrace. Angel watched. Why
wouldn't she let him touch her? Why couldn't her hold her?"We couldn't do anything. We just stood by as the entire family was killed. She couldn't
kill her brother and he killed her. Giles and I buried the whole family, the pregnant wife,
the children." She held him tightly remembering his final embrace of his sister when he
took her lifeblood. Horror and shock reflected in her eyes. Whatever she had seen had
affected her horribly, and she was having a difficult time with it.Angel remembered how she was after she came back after the summer with her father
after her battle with the Master. She had the same feel to her as she did then, anger,
innocence and trauma. He wanted to hold her and love her and make it all better. He
knew it had to be on her terms."Where in time did you go?" He asked. He felt that was the key to her pain.
She decided this was when to tell him. He had to know. "Galway Ireland. 1753. The
Slayer was Elizabeth Boyle." She held herself tightly as she saw the realization dawn
on his face. The horror grew in his eyes. He didn't move and he didn't speak. She didn't
know if she should look at him or avoid his eyes.Angel's world just crashed around his ears.
Memories flowed back to him unbidden, his transformation, his execution of his family
and the death of his daughter and torture of his wife and son. He vaguely remembered
that there were visitors that his sister had brought home that night...another Slayer. That
Slayer was Buffy?He barely remembered now the young girl Elizabeth had brought home. She had taken a
look at him when he had come in from the fields, interacting with his family and bolted
out the door in tears. The man with her, now he recognized the man as Giles, had told her
it was because he reminded her of a lost love. Now he knew... She saw him as he was
before the change, and knew the monster he was going to change into!She has seen him at his worst with some the most horrendous things he did! Angel
started to curl up away from her, withdraw from her. He just knew to have buried the
bodies of his victims must repulse her. To have seen the way he killed his family!Kathryn! He remembered the way he killed his wife and their unborn child. He never
even knew if it was a boy or a girl. Somehow, that fact really bothered him. His little girl,
so loving and trusting, drained and cast aside like garbage.Angel bolted from the room. He couldn't face her. It was over. He had lost her. She had
finally seen the monster he was and it repulsed her. He ran full vampire speed and
strength, to a window and out into the darkness. Maybe if he ran long enough the sun
would catch him...Buffy watched stunned as Angel bolted from the room. His speed was blinding. Before
she could roll over and stand to stop him, he was gone and she had no idea where he
went.*Oh my god!* She looked into the hall. *Where has he gone? Why did he run away?*
She knew why, guilt. He always ran away when she or the others were too close to his
internal demons. "Now what the hell do I do?" She asked herself."Wait till right before dawn and go to his chamber" Buffy spun quickly and looked at the
Lady Tirla. "He will return. I will assure you of that.""Oh God, Lady Tirla! What am I going to do? He killed his entire family! I saw his wife,
his children!" Buffy gushed to her."He never lied to you. He told you he killed his family and 'gave an ugly death to all met
with a song in his heart.' What surprised you?" Tirla asked softly." He was married! He never told me he was married!" Anger boiled out of Buffy. The
jealousy burned in her soul. He loved another woman!"Why would he?" Tirla asked the Slayer. "Why would he tell you? Would it make a
difference? She has been dead for over 240 years. In 1753 he was innocent soul and a
good man in his prime, and being married was expected in that day and age. He loved his
God, and family as a good and properly raised Roman Catholic should." She watched as
her words sank into the Slayer. "What difference would it have made to your relationship
except recalled painful memories for him?""I don't know." Buffy stood humbled before Tirla's comments.
"Buffy. He is not the same man now as he was in 1753. When you went back, you saw
the innocent, good soul that existed inside him, before the taint and destruction of that
soul by the demon who destroyed his world." Tirla put her arm around Buffy and hugged
her tightly. "Buffy, don't hate the man he is today, for not being the man he was then.
He will never be such a free soul ever again. He has lived with incredible guilt for his actions
and the actions of the demon. Angel is incapable of separating the actions and the
feelings and drives of the demon from his own."Buffy looked at her with big eyes as the words sank into her soul. The pain he must be
going through to feel she rejected him! The self-hatred he must be feeling thinking she
judged him guilty and a monster!"Buffy, he loves you more than he ever loved his wife." Buffy stared at Tirla in shock.
"His wife was an innocent in love with her first love. She loved a handsome, innocent
good man. There was nothing in his soul or life that was horrible. It was a fairy tale
existence." Tirla looked deep into Buffy's eyes. "You love the man he is today. You
touch the core of his soul and bring that soul out. You know his demon, and love him
anyway. You see the good inside him despite the demon, and you know his love despite
his self-hatred. Don't let it all be destroyed because of the atrocities a newly embodied
demon had done 240 plus years ago to assure it's place in the world!""How do I find him? He has run away." Buffy became frantic. "When he did that in
Sunnydale it could be weeks or months before I would see him again!""You forget my compulsion spell I have on him. He will be in his room the hour before
dawn and unable to leave till sunset. Find him there." Buffy looked up and Tirla was
gone.Angel finally slowed in his retreat. He sat on the rock over a cliff and watched the stars.
His life was over. He would live forever and do so without the love of Buffy. She saw
the horrible monster we truly was and rightfully hated him.He longed for death to ease the pain, but he couldn't do it. The Lady Tirla's injunction
against him committing suicide was firmly in place. He couldn't act on his desire. He
dropped to his knees and wept.He glanced up later; an unknown amount of time had passed. He knew he needed to
return to his quarters, the dawn was coming. At least he knew Buffy would not seek him
out. He had lost her, forever. He slowly started to walk back to his quarters, the
memories of his first night in his mind and his self-hatred heavy in his heart.Buffy walked up to his door right at dawn. Tirla said he was inside and was incapable of
leaving his quarters till sunset. They would have to work out this together. He didn't
have a choice... and he couldn't run like he normally would!Buffy grabbed a hold of the door and found it locked. She frowned until she remembered
he locked his door to prevent unwanted females from coming to his room! She grimaced
as she twisted and the lock splintered in her hand. She pulled the door and walked into
the room.Angel was on his bed, having just rolled over to see what was happening to the lock. His
eyes were full of bloodied tears, his face streaked. He looked utterly devastated.
"Buffy?" He asked softly, confused as to why she came to his room."We need to talk Angel." She walked over to him and sat on the bed. He withdrew away
from her. She reached out to him and he flinched. "We need to talk now.""There is nothing to talk about Buffy. You now know the monster I am..." His voiced
caught and he looked away."No. I saw the monster a newly embodied demon was." Buffy, looked at him. He really
couldn't separate the two! Angel kept his eyes shut and turned away from her toward
the wall. "Angel!" She was calling him out of his pain and his memories. He glanced at
her, ashamed and terrified of what he would see in her eyes. "Look at me Angel!" He
looked
into her eyes as she commanded. "I love you Angel."He stared at her in shock. *She still loves me?*
"Angel I felt betrayed that you never told me you were married." She looked at him
crossly. She realized that if she didn't bear her soul he would read all the wrong things
into it."You never told me you were married and had children. I felt jealousy and betrayed that
you were so happy and laughed with her when you never feel so happy and laugh with
me!" Tears streaked down he face."Buffy." Angel stared at her. He couldn't believe it... She was actually jealous of his
dead wife! "It broke the curse and I lost my soul when we made love because you made
me completely happy, Remember?" He knew he had a chance to keep her in his life, if
he didn't blow it. He had to be open and honest with her. It was going to be difficult.He looked away; Buffy realized he spoke to himself as much as to her. "That was so long
ago... it was lifetimes ago!" He glanced at her with a scared look. "I was a different man
then. I married at a young age to my childhood sweetheart. Yes, I loved my wife and
children. I was young and innocent. We all were. True Evil didn't exist for me in that
world."He lay back down on his bed and continued. "My sister was the Slayer. I had helped her
at times, but I wasn't involved with her day-to-day battles like Willow and Xander are
with yours. My assistance was usually a place to stay while she healed from her battles.
The Evils she fought nightly were not real to me, until Darla got her hands on me."Buffy listened with rapt attention. This was the most he had ever spoke to her in their
entire time together. "Darla told me years later, that her entire focus and reason to her
coming to our village was to find and change me into a vampire as weapon against my
sister. It was just a plus that she liked me” He looked sheepish.Buffy knew that Darla had loved Angelus in her own way. It must have really bothered
him he was just a pawn. Buffy slowly crept closer to him while he was distracted and
when he turned back she was close and slid into his arms. She kissed him deeply. He sank
into the kiss and the embrace like a drowning man to a life preserver.Buffy just let her body tell him what the mind would not accept word about. She loved
him. She remembered the loving man he was, and knew that deep inside, damaged and
hurting... he was still that man. Now that passionate loving man was hurting, and she was
going to accept him, all of him.Bewildered, confused, Angel accepted Buffy's advances without thought or complaint.
She made it clear he was accepted and he really didn't know or care why. She had seen
the horrible things he did the first night, and still loved and accepted him. He didn't care
why; she was going to stay with him, his love, his salvation.As he slid home into her core and began to pleasure her, he looked down into her loving
eyes. She looked up at him with such love and passion he couldn't believe it. Who said he
couldn't find salvation? He had.