chapter3R

Xander knew he tempted fate being out in the garden after sunset, but he was prepared and he wanted a vamp to attack him. He wanted, no needed, to kill something. He was in agony. He loved Willow and they made love passionately and lovingly, and even got kinky at times. It was better than anything he ever imagined with her or any woman.

But there was fly in the ointment. One problem he couldn't solve and it was driving him crazy. He was with Willow, and who he wanted was Angel. Ever since that night in the chapel, when they were so sure Buffy would die and they had made love, there was a burning need in him. An ache he couldn't settle, an itch he couldn't scratch. Oh shit what was he going to do?

Angelus felt Xander's emotional pain and mental agony, which drove him to go in search of him by using the bond they had. Angel found him in the garden, sitting hopelessly on a bench in the dark. "Xander?" He asked quietly when the younger man was oblivious to his presence for quite awhile. "It is dangerous out here at night Xander. Very dangerous."

Xander looked up to find the source of his frustration coming out of the shadows. Where before it used to bother him when Angel appeared like that, now it settled him. "Hi... hoping for a work-out. Bastards are damn uncooperative when you're in a serious mood to kill something."

Angelus looked at him stunned to realized he was *wanting* to fight a vampire. He had been so oblivious he would have been dead in a heartbeat if Angel had been one of his warm feeding cousins. "What are you doing out here like this Xander? It is not safe out here!"

"Oh and being in there is?" He spun on Angel, anger flowing through the bond. "What the fuck did you do to me Angelus? What the fuck did you do to me in the hospital? I hold the woman I love in my arms and damn it all I want is YOU!" He erupted off the bench pacing small circles, as he wanted to get away from Angel but couldn't bear to walk away from him.

"I thought you knew what you were doing when you came to me that night in the hospital. It completed the Fledgling bond from England. We are bonded now Xander. That means it is forever. Forever until you or I die or I make you a vampire. I'm older I know how to control it better."

"Older… Well good for you..." Then the enormity of his words hit Xander and he sat down with a thud. "WHAT the hell do you mean 'completed the bond? You told me in London that it would fade!"

"When you came to me willingly offered me your fluids and took mine and you made love to me of your own free will it made it permanent." Angel sat down next to Xander.

Xander looked at him. "Oh fuck this is permanent, like forever permanent?" Angel just nodded. "Shit. At the hospital I felt your pain, I wanted to make it better not marry you!" Even as he said the angry words, he slid closer to Angel, aching to touch and be touched.

"I was in so much pain, thinking I was loosing Buffy, I forgot that little fact when you made love to me. I was hurting so badly I didn't think. I'm sorry Xander." Angel was abhorred that he had allowed such a thing to happen. They made the fledgling bond in London to save Willow, not make it a permanent bond. To have done it with Xander, who hated him, bordered on the absurd.

"Oh god Angel, I make love to Willow until we are both sated and then I lay in bed and all I want is to feel your skin, and kiss your body. I dream of feeling your lips on my skin..." Xander shifted as he tried to readjust his hard on. "Does it lessen like before? How long before I stop this damn obsessing of you?"

Xander shivered. "Oh god how the fuck do we deal?" He was breathing hard and fast. His skin was covered in a fine sweat. He could feel precum on his cock's head caused just by Angel's nearness. All his body wanted right now was to lose itself in Angel.

Xander came to the slow realization right then; if Willow came out and told him to make a choice, he would stay right here with Angel. He knew it as well as he knew the sun would rise in the morning and it killed him.

Angel stood up and looked at Xander. He hadn't done it on purpose and it was always much harder on the human than the vampire, although the ache was there for him to. He reached down and took Xander's hand noticing how his heartbeat increased and his respiration doubled, not from fear but arousal.

Angel pulled him deeper into the garden. "Come here Xander." He spoke softly to the younger man in a soft seductive tone while running his fingers along Xander's neck. Angel wasn't surprised when Xander followed quite easily.

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Xander felt stunned. He turned to Angel. "Oh god will it always feel like that?"

Xander sensed Angel’s uncomforableness and stepped forward kissing him tasting his own come on Angel's lips and tongue. *Thank god you don't have to worry about safe sex with a vampire* he thought irreverently as he kissed him thoroughly. Gone was the shy virgin.

Angel looked at him. "Xander I need to go check on Buffy you need to check on Willow." He stroked his face and gave him a kiss and started back to the house

"What the fuck are we gonna do about them and this?" Xander asked as it dawned on him that he was cheating oh his woman with her best friend's 'husband'...

"I don't know. Right now? Let us do nothing right now. They are not up to the stress." Angel wondered to himself if they would ever be.

Xander "Yeah I know what you mean. But are you sure you want to make sure your Slayer is at full strength when you tell her your fucking around on her?" The thought of Buffy's reaction made Xander's blood run cold, and it became ice when he thought of Willows. *Oh god...* "We are not going to be able to control this are we?" Xander asked in a small voice. Separated now only by inches he felt the ache and need to be with Angel starting again.

"No we are not going to control this, it controls us. I'll deal with Buffy she doesn't need the stress on the babies right now…" He idly wondered if he was trying to prevent the agony he knew he would see in her eyes.

"Oh shit Angel. This is a lifetime thing isn't it? Until I die?" Xander was trying to wrap his mind around the thought he was in a gay relationship with Angel, and wanted it more than he wanted a relationship with a woman. "God I can see why it is attractive now. This was what you did with Spike and with Drusilla, not like those flunkies we kill all the times right?"

“Yes until you die or I make you a vampire. Yes this is what I did to them.”

Xander leaned against the wall emotionally exhausted. "Oh god. We bit off a big one this time. Damn when we first did it, I didn't even like you. Now if you told me you wanted to turn me, I wouldn't bat an eyelash. Shit..."

Angel looked at him in pity for the distress this was causing the younger man. He was distressed but had experienced it before. "We will talk more, when we can be alone."

Xander nodded. "Ok." He watched Angel walk away, and realized their conversations would *never* be purely verbal. He shivered in anticipation.

Angel walked back to his and Buffy's room. He stood in the corner and watched her sleep. God, he had hurt her when he had returned to being Angelus, and now he was doing it again with Xander. He sadly admitted to himself he knew no matter how much he loved her, if it came down to it, he would leave her for Xander. That was the nature of the vampire bond. It was more powerful than anything, and probably even their love. Buffy had given him everything, and he cheated on her with her best friend's man. Some prince charming he was.

Buffy rolled over reaching in her sleep for him. When she didn't find him she rolled into a little ball her hand protectively over the children growing within. She was so beautiful. She was everything to him, his life, his love, and his passion. It was unbelievable but she was the beautiful mother of his children.

He was terrified to tell her. He didn't want her stressed and to possibly lose the babies. He knew she could not handle this right now, but he was scared to tell her ever. He knew that it would eventually come out. Damn it. Sometimes it didn't pay to be him. With life comes choices, and sometimes people don't always make the best ones. Him being a vampire was proof of that. Angel himself had made bad ones, but what he did. He did the fledgling bond in order to save willow, and he did save Willow at the time. He did it thinking it would fade, and it would have but when Xander and him had made love, the temporary bond had been made forever.

Buffy woke up. "Angel? Come to bed, Hold me." She mumbled an imperious command in her sleep he jumped to obey.

Angel stripped and slid into bed and looked at her. "I love you Buffy." He said to her as much for himself as for her. He pulled her to him, snuggling down with her, stroking her hair and kissed her. "I love you Buffy, I am here. Now get some rest."

She nodded off in the arms of the man she loved more than life it's self and she felt secure in the fact he felt the same way. He laid there and thought on into that night, about what had happen with him and Xander, about how and what Buffy would do, and how she react to the fact when she found out.